Attitude is Everything
(Author Unknown)

There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said,
"I think I'll braid my hair today."
So she did
and
she
had
a
wonderful
day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today."
So she did
and
she
had
a
grand
day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did
and
she
had
a
fun,
fun
day.

The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.
Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass ...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Most of us have encountered a time when we have hurt or been hurt by our partner.  Before we can move on to working towards a team effort, one or both may feel they want an apology, while another may want forgiveness.  Have you tried apologizing or asking for forgiveness to repair the rift and been unsuccessful so far?

Sometimes an apology is what stands in the way of having a win-win relationship.  A caution is necessary here to remind ourselves that apologies are not meant to make a partner feel wrong but to explore how we wounded the other and to pinpoint how this hurt damaged our relationship.  Accusing, blaming, criticizing, defending, avoiding, controlling, and stonewalling will lead to helplessness and hopelessness.  An apology is to make a difference in healing, not to sweep the comment under the rug and move on, this strategy traps us into a dead end with no winners.

It is difficult to apologize without both partners reflecting and sharing what makes it difficult, what actions are successful, and what you believe you would need to forgive.  Without these reflections you may continue to carry this wound and never let go of the hurt around this incident.  Although it is best if we find out from each other what action the other needs, sometimes neither person  knows at this point, so we can outline a few steps that allow us to have the conversation and work towards mastering the creation of a win-win relationship.

The partner that feels they need an apology has to ask and be specific.  (Once they do, the other partner can offer their feelings to this need.  Try to help your partner understand how your hurtful response evolved at that point in time).  If it’s hard to ask, ask yourself what are you afraid will happen if you ask?  Then detail the pain, coming from how you feel, without blaming or defining your partner.  If you plan on hurting them back, or refusing to trust and continue to test your partner you are not ready, you will need to explore a little deeper on the injury and place yourself in an emotional state that does not escalate defensive listening from your partner.  Are your intentions positive?  Is this a good time?  Can we both win? Use the sharing exercise to process your feelings so that you can ask for what you need.

The first step for the listening partner is to tune in and explores how your partner was hurt. You are looking for the path to repair.  It is more important to be emotionally present than to get it right, to have a perfect performance.  Ask yourself, What is my partner feeling and wanting? Is my partner’s reaction personal to me?  Is either one of us in attack or defend mode?  If either of you are, you cannot move forward. You are still in a reactive, an automatic primal state, that does not allow us to rise above the negative cycle. 

Your goal is to send the message that their hurt is legitimate and understandable.  Their hurt impacts you, you care about it, it matters.  You want to express that you feel regret, sorrow, or shame, and own that you hurt them, and most importantly that you are there now for them. We will hurt those we love,it is how we deal with this that matters.  We can’t dismiss these hurts, time does not heal. 

If you find yourself struggling with apologies and forgiveness in your relationship, many times we need to look for a systemic therapist to help us.  We provide both practice and enactments that allow you to move through roadblocks in the pursuit of connection with your partner.  Let me know if this is helpful to you.